I remember the Sunday after Evie was born. That morning I had just finished nursing her and, looking at the clock, saw that sacrament meeting must be starting in a few minutes for some ward in our church buiding a few houses down. I realized that I could probably "run" over, just to take the sacrament.
Leaving Ewelina home with Greg I waddled slowly to the chapel, entered and took a seat in the very back row. During the ward business a little girl, maybe 5 years old, in a white dress with a white ribbon in her hair skipped down the aisle to sit with her family. She was darling. But she made me cry.
One day Ewelina would be big like that: my tiny little Evie who I fed all day long and cuddled and breathed in and couldn't stop staring at. She wouldn't always be this helpless, dependent little itty-bitty person for whom my heart almost bursted with love. She would get bigger. She would be so different. Everything was going to change.
Back at home I told Greg about my sadness. He declared that he couldn't wait for her to grow up! He wanted to do things with our kids, teach them things and go on adventures. That seemed so weird to me. Didn't he want to hold them in his arms and have them sleeping on his chest, breathing their sweet baby breath forever and ever?
Fast forward almost 12 years and here I am. No Evie in the house for the month. I miss her. David went home with babcia and dziadek this morning (they'd been staying with us, along with Greg's sister, for almost 2 weeks). I cried my eyes out when David left.
So now I kind of feel like, what's the point? Why bother making a dinner that my big kids won't enjoy? What fun is there in watching a movie in the evening? What is lunch without the conversation I'm used to? And who on earth am I going to fight with to get them to do their jobs!?!
Answers I have come up with (in order): There is no point. Don't bother. No fun. Not a very good lunch, and no fighting at all.
So I seem to have come full circle. Oh, I love my little ones, no question about that! There is every reason to read stories, go for walks, tickle, watch videos, eat snacks and make scary monster noises while running around with my arms up all frighteningly. And I will. I love those things. But I sure have come to love all the things connected with the big kids that I once dreaded to have. I would even say that I still love them AS MUCH (maybe even MORE THAN) I did when they were a week old. Never would have thought it possible.
I'm sure learning a lot this summer. One thing being that hearts do not burst from being over-filled with love. I'm quite grateful for that.