Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Size Doesn't Matter

I remember the Sunday after Evie was born. That morning I had just finished nursing her and, looking at the clock, saw that sacrament meeting must be starting in a few minutes for some ward in our church buiding a few houses down. I realized that I could probably "run" over, just to take the sacrament.

Leaving Ewelina home with Greg I waddled slowly to the chapel, entered and took a seat in the very back row. During the ward business a little girl, maybe 5 years old, in a white dress with a white ribbon in her hair skipped down the aisle to sit with her family. She was darling. But she made me cry.

One day Ewelina would be big like that: my tiny little Evie who I fed all day long and cuddled and breathed in and couldn't stop staring at. She wouldn't always be this helpless, dependent little itty-bitty person for whom my heart almost bursted with love. She would get bigger. She would be so different. Everything was going to change.

Back at home I told Greg about my sadness. He declared that he couldn't wait for her to grow up! He wanted to do things with our kids, teach them things and go on adventures. That seemed so weird to me. Didn't he want to hold them in his arms and have them sleeping on his chest, breathing their sweet baby breath forever and ever?

Fast forward almost 12 years and here I am. No Evie in the house for the month. I miss her. David went home with babcia and dziadek this morning (they'd been staying with us, along with Greg's sister, for almost 2 weeks). I cried my eyes out when David left.

So now I kind of feel like, what's the point? Why bother making a dinner that my big kids won't enjoy? What fun is there in watching a movie in the evening? What is lunch without the conversation I'm used to? And who on earth am I going to fight with to get them to do their jobs!?!

Answers I have come up with (in order): There is no point. Don't bother. No fun. Not a very good lunch, and no fighting at all.

So I seem to have come full circle. Oh, I love my little ones, no question about that! There is every reason to read stories, go for walks, tickle, watch videos, eat snacks and make scary monster noises while running around with my arms up all frighteningly. And I will. I love those things. But I sure have come to love all the things connected with the big kids that I once dreaded to have. I would even say that I still love them AS MUCH (maybe even MORE THAN) I did when they were a week old. Never would have thought it possible.

I'm sure learning a lot this summer. One thing being that hearts do not burst from being over-filled with love. I'm quite grateful for that.

12 comments:

Lara said...

Mothering is hard, partly because our children change so dang much! I kind of hate seeing them grow up, but on the other hand, I love it. I suppose it is a great gift that we get to have them as babies for the little time that we do, but every time I think about how they'll never be that small again, or need me so much, I cry.

Susan said...

Aw. I didn't get to be around Evie very much as a baby, so I'm not sure about the holding her forever, but I'm sure glad to have her for the lunch time dialogue!

Melissa Bastow said...

Hopefully I will someday like my big kids. I mean, my BIG kids are like 6 and 8. But still. Some days I just want to scream, "You were so much more awesome when you were a baby!!" Probably because they, like me, enjoy walking around the house barefoot, and their toes are getting all long and big-like now, and big-like feet totally gross me out (except for my own, because they're just awesome).

Erin said...

My kids will be old enough to do that kind of stuff some day (very soon, I'm sure), and I will probably cry too. Kids definitely make our hearts grow a size bigger with each one we have, don't they?

P.S. You left me in absolute suspense with your last comment on my blog. You didn't say which Baby Einstein movie was your kids' favorite!!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I want big kids. Always have. But honestly, I think mine are getting close and it's not quite as magical as I imagined. Maybe a couple more years . . . I just want to talk them about stuff that's real. Real conversations, you know? We do, of course, but it's still watered down a little. I just want to know the whole them that's stuck inside little people bodies.

AndyPandyJackaDandy said...

I am scared of big kids. This helps.

Lacy@uphillandsmiling said...

I love this post and seriously, my 13 and 10 year old are NOT perfect, but I enjoy them so much that it keeps me from going CRAZY from my 7 and 3 year old.

I'm sure I'll eat these words some day, but I do better with older kids.... I hope. :)

I loved this post!

Melanie Jacobson said...

I adore my little ones. But I have SO much fun hanging out with my oldest. He makes me laugh constantly with his cleverness. It makes me less sad about the little ones growing up.

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Common Household Mom said...

My husband can't wait for our kids to grow up and move out! I disagree with him on this. My oldest is 18 and is away for a month (a month!) this summer, and I miss her a great deal. But it is quieter around here...

Carolyn V said...

I have both big kids and little ones. I'm trying to enjoy each age, but they are going too fast for me. I enjoy them too much.

Heidi said...

There are lovely things and not so lovely things about each stage of life when it comes to kids. I adore seeing how my kids turn out, what their talents are, their interests, how much they are like me or other family members, how different they are, as well. To have my daughter be my best girlfriend is so sweet. So fun! I felt like you did, too--didn't want them to grow up too fast. But they always do. Thank goodness for grandkids! I hear being a grandparent is better than being a parent. I can't wait (and yet, I can).