Friday, November 28, 2008

For Future Reference

While I'm thinking about them, I'm going to write down two important things I learned yesterday and today for myself in order to avoid problems in the future. And since everyone else is shopping and not blogging today, it seems like as good a day as any to write myself a memo in the form of a post.
When preparing a large meal single-handedly (or attempting to clean the entire house floor to ceiling in one day) you must eat periodically. Just because you normally are not that busy and eat pretty frequently does not mean that you eat because you are not busy and therefore you don't have to eat when you are. Oh no no. When you're busy, your body still needs nutrients, maybe even more so than on lazy days. Because if you don't eat, it's entirely possible that you may find yourself feeling very weak and ill right before an important dinner, or just when the guests arrive. Also, keep in mind that this is hard (for you) to remember. You have to work at it, because if you don't, it's very likely that it will happen over and over again, causing a great deal of stress and unhappiness at the very moments when joy and gladness are what are wanted. And it might cause your husband to dread holidays and having company. Husbands should not dread those things.
If you ever decide to buy some rubber gloves for use in soapy, wet projects, after a couple of years of not wearing them (because your hands look like those of an eighty year old woman until right after you put lotion on, when they go back to looking like 20 year old hands*, and you can't put lotion on every three minutes (after washing them or something else) anymore), then go to the store and find a nice pair of blue ones and bring them home and open them to find that there is some MIGHTY POWERFULLY SCENTED "balsam" lining the inside of the gloves, and that size small, in some brands, is a tiny bit too small for you, which might make it extremely difficult to remove the gloves once they're suctioned on to your hands. And it also might make you lose circulation to certain fingers now and again during dish washing, but decide to live with it because you bought two pairs and you're not throwing them away.

Then, if you're washing dishes while your 19 month old is eating a snack and he happens to somehow push off the tray that you were sure was locked, causing his plate and sippy cup to crash to the floor and the tray to land on top of them, REMEMBER that this child is not old enough to have ever seen you in rubber gloves. He's not like your other children who have seen you many times walking around the house in your (then yellow) gloved hands just like Dexter's mom, doing some quick task in the middle of washing dishes. No, he has not, and it's an unfamiliar sight. If you remember this, you will be more likely to take the three minutes to remove the gloves before helping him out (because, even though the child isn't buckled in, and never has been, he is a very careful child and would never try to get out on his own and will just sit there until you do something for him, the lazy bum).

Also, If you remember this, you can avoid this scenario: You rinse the soap off your gloves and dry them quickly on the towel. Then you pick up the child and take him to the sink to wash his hands as usual. You put soap on them and then start helping him to "make bubbles." He starts screaming. You realize that he is afraid of the gloves. He pulls his hands back to his body, still screaming. You make eye contact with him and say over and over, "They're just gloves, Aaron! Look it's mommy's hands in there! Gloves! See they can wiggle! It's mommy! See: do-dee-do-dee-do (dancing your hands to the music hoping he will connect your voice with the hand movements and realize they are part of you, and therefore these blue things are unlikely to attack him). This is all a bit of a juggling act because you are holding the child up the whole time, too. When he still doesn't get it and continues to scream just grab his hands and rinse them quickly, set him down on the floor, still screaming and spend the three minutes while you are removing the gloves talking to him about it in a sometimes soothing, sometimes silly voice (counting on comic relief). He may continue to stand there making an ugly barking scream every three seconds, the kind that means, "I can't believe you did that to me, and I don't know if I can ever forgive or trust you again."
The first should come in handy next weekend when we are having company (hooray!). And hopefully the second will never be needed again. I wrote it just in case.
*I'm just estimating that that's how old my lotioned hands look. I've never asked a professional or anything.


JustRandi said...

You know Aaron is going to need therapy now, right? You might as well start saving for it now.

I know what you mean about husbands dreading holidays. I had a mini meltdown just before dinner yesterday, and even though he was really nice, I could see in his eyes that I'd better get a grip - and soon.
You're probably right. He shouldn't have to dread the holidays.

Erin said...

I'm not shopping right now. I like my warm house too much.

The glove story is pretty funny. It reminded me of the glove = body; hand = spirit story from Primary days.

Yay for company!

Melissa said...

You are hilarious.

Anne said...

Poor Aaron! I can totally picture that! I want to squeeze him! It's so hard to remember to eat on days like those and then by the time you feel so crappy, nothing looks even close to good to eat.

Alison Wonderland said...

I would do the exact same thing, not eating wise, luckily I haven't ever had to host Thanksgiving. But I'm planning to next year.
I'll just use this as my memo too.

Melanie J said...

That's so funny. Baby G got confused in the early days between the glasses on/glasses off look that his parents have sported, but I don't think we ever scared him. Note to self: no blue gloves.

Heidi Ashworth said...

bwaahaaahhaaaa! This was so funny! You have such a great sense of humor!

Kazzy said...

Yes, thumbs down to Black Friday shopping. You certainly did learn some valuable lessons, didn't you?

Your little guy might be staring at your hands quite a bit to convince himself that you are in fact the mama.

Funny post!

Anonymous said...

For me, it's not the eating while cooking problem that gets me. It's the forgetting to DRINK WATER while creating an eight course meal for six, including four pies and a batch of Monkey Bread, and the ambient temperature is something above 98 degrees, and you're sweating and wondering why it's so hot in here, and would someone please open a window, never mind that it's only 32 degrees outside, put on a sweater if you get cold, the rest of us are dehydrated.

And then you pass out. And you wonder why Thanksgiving is so exhausting?

Kimberly said...

I do that not eating whilst crazily preparing for big events too!

I'm thinking if I only host more events I'll lose the last thirty pounds in NO time.

Thanks for the giggles!

Erin said...

I have the opposite holiday problem. I eat a bit of everything I make and lick the spoons and then I am not hungry when it is finally time to eat. But somehow I manage to get it down. :)

Moody said...

Yeah, I need to remember to eat sometimes too! (but usually when it's too late, like you.) And quit scaring your poor baby with your crazy blue rubber hands!

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