Saturday, November 8, 2008

Did You Hear the One About

I love jokes. Maybe everyone loves jokes, but probably not everyone loves them as much as I do. When I hear one on the radio or Greg shares one he heard at work, or I read one on some one's blog, like the locking the doors in the church parking lot one from Nathan*, I almost feel like some one's given me a brownie. I know! I love jokes that much!!

The good/bad thing about jokes is that I never remember them. It can be the funniest thing I've ever heard and I won't remember it tomorrow. The good thing about that is that whenever someone asks me the question in my title, I can always say "no" because even if I have heard it, I won't remember that I've heard it.

There are a few jokes that I do remember, though, and I'm going to share them with you.

I don't consider myself to be above children's jokes. Here are some my kids tell that I like (or mostly that I remember):
__________
WHAT DO YOU CALL:
a fish with an eye missing? "a fsh"
a grizzly bear with no teeth? a gummy bear
__________
Where do french fries come from? grease
__________
On their patrol two policemen notice that the keys have been left in a fancy sports car. One officer says to the other, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He says "Yeah." The first police officer says, "Then you're under arrest!"
__________
And my favorite knock-knock joke ever:
knock-knock
who's there
little old lady
little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
__________

Here are two Polish jokes that I like, and that you've very likely already heard (although most likely I'm accidentally changing/ruining them a little):
__________
During his eye exam, the doctor asks the Pole who is looking at the eye chart, "Can you read the last line?"

"Read it!?! I know the guy!"
__________
It's best if you speak Polish with this one as the dialogue is actually spoken in Polish, but I don't really care because I want to tell it anyway. You mostly just have to know:
tu (pronounced like too) = "here"
ten = "this one"
A Pole living in America goes to his dentist complaining of a toothache. The dentist asks him where it hurts. The Pole, who's English isn't very good just points to the tooth in question and says, "Tu." The dentist proceeds to remove two of the man's teeth.
He goes home and, complaining to his friend, explains what happened, "He asked where it hurt and I showed him, 'tu!' and he pulled out two of my teeth!!" His concerned friend replies, "Good thing you didn't say 'ten'!"
__________

And lastly one of a few jokes I have made in my life that made me laugh much harder than anyone else who heard it (has that ever happened to you? I sorta hate that. I'm pretty normal and don't usually laugh at my own "jokes" but this time I could not stop. That usually only happens late at night when Greg and I are hysterical over how hilarious we both are, but that's different. I think that's called the giggles. I didn't have those when I cracked this one, and it popped out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.)
Greg had been watching the news. It was something about space travel. Later he asked, "Lisa, did you hear that the Chinese went to the moon?" I replied, "All of them!?!"

Don't try to tell me that a) that isn't funny, or b) you've heard one like it before. I won't believe either statement.
* In case you missed that one here it is:
A California Mormon went to visit a Provo Mormon. When they went to the hardware store, the California Mormon instinctively locked his friend's car door, and the Provo Mormon said, "Oh, don't worry about it. This is Provo." The same thing happened at the mall.
On Sunday, when they got to church the California Mormon was proud that he remembered not to lock. To his surprise, his Provo friend locked his door and asked his friend to do the same.
Confused, the California Mormon said, "You didn't lock at the Mall, why do it at CHURCH?"
"'Cause if I don't," the Provo Mormon said, "by the time church is over, my car will be full of zucchini!"
-told by Walter Whipple, Provo, UT 1996

16 comments:

Kazzy said...

I can just see your smiling Lisa-face as you were typing these. Whenever my kids need to disarm me all they have to do is tell me this one (which I think originated in a movie. And it's not even a joke, just a one-liner):

"There are two kinds of people I hate. Bigots and the Dutch."

Gets me every time! Thanks for starting my day off right.

Heather said...

Funny! But, I don't get the "I know the guy." one. The Chinese one was hilarious!Maybe becasue my husband says things like that all the time. Here is one my kids made up when we moved to Pennsylvania
knock knock
who's there
pencil
pencil who
pennsylvania

Melissa said...

Those totally made me laugh.

Alison Wonderland said...

My favorite doesn't work very well written out but it goes like this:

"What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue?"


"Jews." Or possibly "Juice."

But see it sounds the same when you say it.

Trying to Stay Calm! said...

Thanks for the laugh! I hope you have a beautiful weekend! ♥ Hugs!

McEwens said...

Great jokes! Thansk for the laugh!

Heidi Ashworth said...

OH, how funny! Espeically the zucchini joke because my dad loves to grow veggies!

Erin said...

The time I have laughed the hardest in my life is in the movie Tommy Boy when Tommy's tie gets stuck in the airplane toilet, and he about gets sucked down the toilet. I almost peed my pants, it was so funny.

Thanks for the laughs!

Susan said...

The only one that actually made me laugh was your Chinese one. I too don't get "I know that guy" unless it's because his eyes are so bad it looks like someone he knows?

LisAway said...

OKAY GUYS, SORRY! THE POLISH GUY READ THOSE CRAZY LETTERS AND IT SPELLED OUT A POLISH NAME. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE POLISH WORDS AND NAMES ARE HAVE LOTS OF LETTERS THAT ARE USED LESS FREQUENTLY IN ENGLISH. PARTICULARLY THE LETTER Z.

sarah k. said...

comment above reminded me that the whole movie Tommy Boy made me laugh for weeks. might have had something to do with the people I saw it with...YOU and (karl). Derek and I sometimes get out Tommy Boy when we want to giggle. My little boys, and now my little girl, all do the "maniac dance" just like Chris Farley did, while I sing the song.

Another thing that I laugh at every time I think about it is when, at Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, we were talking about lamb, or wool, or something. It makes more sense if you know me. Anyway, my dad starts singing, "I'm gettin' mutton for Christmas... cause I ain't been nuttin' but Ba-aa-aad!"

Jess said...

Lisa, I loved the "I know the guy" joke. It made me laugh pretty hard. I don't know a lot of jokes, but there's one knock knock joke I love.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co MOOOOOO...

This one also is better if actually spoken.

Thanks for the jokes.

sue q said...

I love the eye chart one, the Chinese one, and the interrupting cow one. But the zucchini one is absolutely NOT funny, because it's true! SERIOUSLY! Only, ironically, it happened to us in California, not Utah. In Utah, everybody walked to church!!

cornnut32 said...

i love the provo mormon joke. cracks me up. jokes are the best. :)

Moody said...

I especially liked the polish jokes! I'm like you though, I can't recall jokes or if I attempt to I leave out the critical part and have to explain in detail why it SHOULD be funny.

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